(Brought to you by the stars, cosmic nonsense, and possibly a sleep-deprived astrologer.)
♈ Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This week, you will experience an overwhelming urge to organize your sock drawer at 3 AM, only to realize you own exactly one matching pair. A mysterious stranger may enter your life, but they will only exist in the form of an autocorrect fail. Beware of door handles—they are conspiring against you.
💡 Lucky Object: A slightly cracked mug that still "technically" holds liquid.
♉ Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Midweek, you will be struck by an epiphany while eating a sandwich. Unfortunately, the brilliance of this revelation will be immediately forgotten when you drop a pickle onto your lap. Someone will compliment your taste in music, but only when you’re listening to the one song you pretend to hate.
💡 Cosmic Tip: Don’t trust elevators this week. Not because they’ll break, but because they’ll take you to the wrong floor just to mess with you.
♊ Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your natural charisma will attract a group of pigeons at an inopportune moment. Avoid making important decisions on Tuesday, as Mercury briefly forgets how to function, leaving you incapable of deciding between two nearly identical cereal brands. The universe is watching you—but mostly just to see if you’ll actually answer that text you ignored.
💡 Fate’s Message: Whatever you lost last week is exactly where you left it. No, really. Look again.
♋ Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will experience a deep existential crisis triggered by a yogurt expiration date. It is both expired and perfectly fine—what does this mean for you? Your emotions will be amplified by low blood sugar, so carry snacks or risk sending a deeply unnecessary text to an ex.
💡 Beware: Wednesday’s moon phase suggests you will forget why you walked into a room no less than five times.
♌ Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You may find yourself trapped in a conversation with someone who has no sense of time—prepare accordingly. On Thursday, a minor inconvenience will cause you to rethink your entire life’s trajectory (again). The universe wants you to remember that confidence is key, but also that wearing sunglasses indoors makes you look like a cartoon villain.
💡 Lucky Symbol: That one pen you always use, which is somehow still not out of ink.
♍ Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A simple task will spiral into an unnecessarily complicated project, thanks to your inability to let things be “good enough.” Friday brings the possibility of an awkward encounter with a former acquaintance, who will pretend not to see you if you pretend not to see them. Someone will incorrectly explain a fact to you, and you must choose whether to correct them or let chaos reign.
💡 Avoid: Thinking too hard about why socks disappear in the laundry. Some mysteries aren’t meant to be solved.
♎ Libra (September 23 - October 22)
A surprising opportunity will arise, but only if you answer an unknown number—a test of courage from the cosmos. The stars predict an unusual craving for something oddly specific, like a single blueberry muffin or soup from a restaurant that no longer exists. Your indecisiveness will peak on Sunday, and you may accidentally take a 4-hour nap instead of making a decision.
💡 Best Strategy: If you can’t decide, flip a coin. Then ignore the result and do whatever you actually wanted.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This week, you will accidentally make intense eye contact with a stranger, making you both question the nature of reality. A plot twist awaits you on Wednesday, but it will turn out to be completely insignificant. Someone will say, “You look tired,” and you will have to resist responding with “I am tired of you.”
💡 Watch Out For: Ducks. Don’t ask why. Just trust me.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your adventurous spirit will lead you into an impassioned debate about something utterly trivial, like whether cereal is technically soup. The weekend brings a strong urge to rearrange furniture, which will ultimately result in regret and sore knees. If you receive a cryptic text from an unknown number, do not respond unless you want to buy a haunted lamp.
💡 Lucky Number: 7. Or 42. Or whatever number just popped into your head.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You will briefly consider starting a new hobby, only to abandon it within 48 hours. An important lesson will be learned from a questionable life choice involving caffeine intake. A minor inconvenience—such as losing WiFi for 10 minutes—will make you reconsider civilization as a whole.
💡 Warning: If you hear a weird noise at night, ignore it. It’s probably just the ghost of your unfinished to-do list.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your brain will oscillate between genius-level insights and complete mental static this week. Expect a powerful realization about life, the universe, and everything—followed immediately by forgetting why you walked into the kitchen. Someone will describe you as “quirky,” and you must decide if that is an insult.
💡 Avoid: Falling into a Wikipedia hole that somehow ends with you researching medieval dentistry.
♓ Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your imagination will run wild this week—unfortunately, mostly in ways that make you anxious. A brief existential crisis is coming on Tuesday, but you will overcome it by eating something delicious. Someone will text you “We need to talk,” but it will just be about something mundane, like a TV show. Try not to panic.
💡 Prophecy: If you tell a joke this week, at least one person will not get it. Smile mysteriously and walk away.
Final Cosmic Advice:
The stars may be ancient and wise, but even they can’t explain why every grocery store has that one mysterious aisle you’ve never seen before. Trust your instincts, embrace the absurdity, and don’t take anything too seriously this week.
✨ Until next week, may your coffee be strong and your WiFi be stable. ✨
4o
